The Scariest Thing That Has Ever Happened To Me In My Life

I'm Chris Morris, and I once escaped from a Venus Bad-Ass Trap, armed with nothing more than a toothbrush, and a copy of Pavorotti's Greatest Hits.


Simple words written (Or typed) down cannot do justice to the horror that I felt yesterday when I made this terrible discovery. So here's my first video blog:

My Twin Brother Miguel's Accident

Hi, I'm Chris Morris, and the last time I looked in the mirror, it apologised for being a mere reflection of the greatness that I personify.

As some of you may know, I am currently volunteering at Woodlands Primary School in Carnoustie, running a percussion club. The unfortunate thing about working a with a vast amount of people is that now and then, some of these people are likely to discover you working in a less glamorous role. Some of the kids at Woodlands have discovered someone who looks like Chris Morris working in a cinema. So I had to think fast.

I told the kids that I don't work in any such place and that this is in fact my twin brother, Miguel from France. He lives in the Eiffel Tower, and flys off to Dundee in his private jet every once in a while to work in the cinema. You can tell the difference between Miguel and myself because he has a beard and I don't (I had a little stubble when the pupils recognised me outside of school!).

But for some reason, these kids don't believe me. They think that Miguel is completely made up, and asked me to prove that he exists. So, last week I confidently boasted that my brother and myself would be at the school the next week. No excuses.

Damn... What am I gonna do?

Not to worry. I have a plan.

Check this out:

Oh no! The Eiffel Tower has been so cleverly and masterfully photoshopped, that it appears to have been involved in an accidental demolition project, and is falling over.

Not to worry though, the Eiffel Tower was closed to tourists today, because Miguel fancied having his home to himself for a change. It's awful stressful when your house is one of the busiest tourist attractions in the world, after all.

But wait! Who is that expertly drawn 2D image of a man falling from the tower?? Could it be Miguel??

Of course it is, or at least that's what the kids will be told, and of course, they will believe me 100%.

And just in case they don't believe me, I have even more evidence. An incredible photographer for the local Paris newspaper just happened to be flying past the Eiffel Tower right at the moment that it collapsed, and managed to take the following picture:

Now, don't worry Chris Morris fans, I'm okay, and I didn't hurt myself in making this picture. It's simply professionally photoshopped from the comfort of my own home. I know it looks real, it's just because I'm a perfectionist, and am incredibly able to make you believe in the impossible.

Now, just in case the kids think that this isn't Miguel in this picture, and it is in fact me, you'll notice that I've cleverly added a realistic beard to the photo of myself. Also, Miguel's name badge from his work has flown away from him revealing his favourite film to be... Oh, don't ask me, I don't speak French, but as any Chris Morris fan knows, my favourite film is The Lord of The Rings, so it can't be me.

So this evidence will be presented to the young ones the next time I'm at the school. Don't worry about Miguel, he landed in a nearby pillow factory, which was lucky, but he's far too shaken up and busy with rebuilding his home, that he won't make it in to Woodland's Primary School this week. Hey, maybe next week?

2010 in Review

Well, it's another year gone, and another person starting a year review with the phrase "Well, it's another year gone, and...".

I'm Chris Morris, and I was never confused by a single episode of Lost.

I'm trying to find the words to sum up 2010, which would be a great thing since that's the idea of this blog, but I really can't think. Let's start with how many books I read this year:

Dracula - Bram Stoker
We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families - Philip Gourevitch.

And that's it. Yep, just two books. Unless I can count a quarter of Under the Dome by Stephen King? It took me nearly a whole year to read Dracula for a number of reasons. When I first started reading it, I was half way through the most terrible academic year of my life. Yep, the dreaded Perth College Joke, oops sorry I mean Honors Degree. I was still writing my dissertation, and I got sort of sidetracked making a video of myself making a Banoffee Pie:

*Insert Video Here*

Yeah, I was intending to show that particular video but it seems that I don't actually have it on my laptop now... It only exists on Facebook! Check out my videos on my Facebook page if you haven't seen it and you're wondering what I'm going on about.

Of course, I was inspired to make some Banoffee Pie (Which, by the way I can ACTUALLY make now) because of the amazing Banoffee Pie at the first China team residential at Gartmore House. Which brings me to Pure Media. If 2010 is to be remembered for anything for me, it's the amazing time I've had with some of the most awesome people I've ever met. Not only China (I was never really convinced I was actually going), but things like this:

For those who don't know, Eh Qualitee was the creation of five people (Although my Eh Qualitee alter ego would say one person) who thought "Wouldn't it be quite funny if we entered one of Scotland's biggest dance competitions and performed in front of hundreds of people?" which turned into reality. And although this has spawned hilarious jokes, and even more funny situations (My favourite probably being the dance-off in a Beijing subway train), the whole process of creating Eh Qualitee with those people is something I'll never forget.

Of course, it didn't end there, there was making a film in the snowy highlands, trying to find Nathan in amongst thousands of runners at the Edinburgh Marathon, staying up mega late to try and edit films, a short lived but hilarious podcast, realising that despite Perth College's doubt in me, I can actually do things as a musician, making a music video with kids who have more energy than an eighteen pack of Coca-Cola, finding that I have made some excellent friends, and of course, racing up the Great Wall of China. And I've missed out loads from that whole paragraph.

2010 was also a year of sort of growing up. Heather has become an actual proper primary school teacher, and I'm sorting out a proper job for myself, too. In 2011, both Heather and I will very much be stepping into the unknown, but it's not just scary, it's exciting.

I'll also never forget the day I decided I would run a marathon. I went out the door, drove up to Clatto, went for a run one lap around the reservoir, and actually thought I would need to go to hospital. Running is a sport for people like me; people who don't think things through. Oh yeah, I'll run a marathon I thought. And then I realised that running is hard. Pretty much, very extremely, mega, pure hard likes. But I WILL run the Edinburgh Marathon, and I... MIGHT do it in under four hours.

So, 2010, here's to you. And what sort of year review would this be if I didn't do a top ten list of stuff. Here goes:

TOP TEN DANCE PERFORMANCES OF THE YEAR:

1. Eh Qualitee at the Urban Chillax
2. Eh Qualitee in Beijing
3. Nuff Said
4. Nuff Said
5. Nuff Said
6. Nuff Said
7. Nuff Said
8. Nuff Said
9. Nuff Said
10. Nuff Said

TOP TEN BOOKS OF THE YEAR

1. Page 38 of Dracula
2. Page 246 of Dracula
3. Page 114 of We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families
4. Page 338 of Under The Dome
5. Page 71 of We Wish To Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families
6. Page 23 of Dracula
7. Page 99 of Dracula
8. The blurb of Under The Dome
9. Note on the Text from Dracula
10. Page 10 of Under The Dome

TOP TEN STUPID IDEAS OF THE YEAR

1. Staying at Perth College
2. Playing Resident Evil alone in the dark
3. Getting up early to watch the final episode of Lost
4. Parking on a single yellow line before six o' clock (Twice)
5. Deciding to run up the Great Wall of China
6. Trying a "strawberry flavoured" powder shake
7. Putting a penny into the self service machine while Heather was trying to pay by card because I thought it would be funny
8. Thinking I could keep up with a "Joke a day" calender
9. Telling my Gran "OK" when she asks if I could play some snare drum along with her accordion at a pub on Hogmany tonight...
10. Eating a chicken's feet and head in China/Eating as many chillies as I could in one minute

Run, Run, Run

Hi, I'm Chris Morris, and I turned down a role in The Expendables. I was afraid I would make them look like wimps when people compared us.



Okay, I would like to start today's blog by begging you loyal readers to part with a small amount of your cash. As many of you may know, I am running/crawling/jumping/swinging/whatever else they may make me do the Urbanathlon in Glasgow in a couple of weeks. Every runner runs for the charity Chest Heart & Stroke Scotland, and we all have a fundraising target of £40.



So how much have I raised so far? A fiver!!



So if any of you people reading this would like to sponsor me even a pound, I would be eternally grateful. After all, in the words of a great friend of mine, "Every little helps". Oh. Wait a minute...



If every one of my facebook friends gives me one pound (Which I'm sure you can all afford), I would raise £148. And that would be awesome.



So anyway, here's the link to my fundraising page, please, please donate a pound or two (or more if your feeling generous). http://www.justgiving.com/ChrisMorrisUrbanathlon



So last week, Stuart and I met the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase!! For those of you unfamiliar with late eighties/early to mid nineties wrestling, here's a picture of the man in his prime:







It was pretty strange to meet this kind of person. I hated him so much when I was a kid (Before I knew wrestling was scripted), and it was pure joy to actually meet the guy. Some of those old feelings of hatred might have sprung up at any moment though, as we found out that it was £10 for a photo with him, or £5 for the use of your own camera!

I tell ya, I was THIS close to challenging him to a good old fashioned steel cage match up, but Stuart convinced me otherwise. Still, it was amazing to meet one of my childhood anti-heroes.

So, yesterday I signed up for the Edinburgh Marathon. Nathan said to do it as soon as I could because there might not be places left soon, so I signed up at midnight on 1st September, and now I feel sick thinking about it!

I know I'll be able to do it, just need to train, train train. I have a 5k race tomorrow at Riverside, hoping to forget about the embarrassing result of the 4k there (Last male to finish), and I have the Urbanathlon in two weeks. I think that's what's keeping me motivated, doing all these kind of races instead of just training. Running is a very lonely sport, and motivation is hard sometimes.

As for the Urbanathlon, I found a pretty cool video of the last one which was held in Edinburgh, slow motion videos of some of the obstacles I might encounter, check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVXAMtlzhOg&p=BE663A554E5D27D0&playnext=1&index=8


For training, I have been told via their facebook page that I should practice stairs, so I've been doing some running over the Law Hill. On my last run I did one round the hill, one over, one round, and a final over, which is about 6.1k. I need to up it a bit more as the thing is 10k.

Oh, and please sponsor me! I'll be your friend (That's not a promise, it's a threat).


I'll be making a short video soon begging you all for some money, expect release in the next couple of days...

Spookwatch

Hi, I'm Chris Morris, and all the rumours you've heard about Chuck Norris are true. Chuck Norris is my stage name.

Oh my frickin word, how many of you reading this have heard about Ghostwatch? I've been looking for this for a couple of years and I finally got to watch it this week and it's terrifying! It was a supposed "live" broadcast on 31st October (That's right, Halloween!) 1992. It was kind of like an episode of Most Haunted, but stuff actually happened. The whole thing was scripted, but a lot of the public thought it was real and there was a panic around the country.

People were so outraged by it that it was banned for ten years and has never been shown on TV again. The cheapest DVD I could find was £25, but I managed to get it off of LoveFilm after a long wait.

So how was it? I nearly had to throw my trousers out.

Now, I thought it was scary watching it 18 years after it was broadcast and knowing that it's fake, I can't imagine what it must have been like for people watching in 1992. I'm glad I didn't watch it then, y'know being only five years old and all...

I watched it with Heather in the flat and then also told Nathan about it when he invited me over to watch Harry Brown, and we watched both films. Now, while two guys sitting with hot chocolate, marshmallows, cream and popcorn watching a couple of films isn't every guys perfect night, I thoroughly enjoy going to Nathan and Joe's, and Nathan and I thoroughly enjoyed Ghostwatch. Seriously, Nathan makes a mean hot chocolate!

Yeah so Nathan loved it as well, and Heather also watched it was Ross, who also loved it. I think I'm going to introduce it to my sister and her boyfriend too.

Woah, eight paragraphs in and all I've talked about is Ghostwatch. All I have left to say is, watch it!

THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THE WORLD #4!!!

Now, this is one that's really close to my heart, because it annoys the crap out of me. I struggled through school with Dyspraxsia, but I can tell you, I know my grammar and punctuation! I myght not B as gud wif my speeling, butt that's a diffefferent sroty.

First things first. I've noticed a lot of people using "would of" or "could of". Folks, this is WRONG! Do NOT use these. It's perfectly acceptable to use "would've" and "could've" (Which sound like the first set of words hence the confusion), and you can even use "would have" and "could have", but I swear, if I see one more "it would of been great if..." I'm going to implode.

You may have also noticed that I just used the word "hence", and not "hence why". This is also a common mistake. "HENCE WHY" DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Definition of "Hence":

"For this reason; therefore: handmade and hence expensive.
b. From this source: They grew up in the Sudan; hence their interest in Nubian art.
2. From this time; from now: A year hence it will be forgotten." - http://www.thefreedictionary.com/ - Accessed on 15th August 2010. Oh yeah, Chris Morris just referenced.

The term "hence why" most likely stemmed from idiots who want to make themselves sound clever by using the smallest of big words: Hence. It doesn't make you sound clever if you put a "why" after it though. It really doesn't.

Another one is this:

............................................................................................

Yep, dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot forever after.

Wrong again!

Not matter how long your dots are, unless it's three dots, your wrong. It's called an ellipses, look it up. Yeah, that's right, it's actually a part of the English language.

So there you have it. This edition of Things That Are Wrong With The World COULD HAVE been shorter, but I liked it. I'm using the English language, HENCE the apperance of the English language in this entry.........................................................................................................

So there you have it, things that are wrong with the world #4 - People's Grammer and punctuation.

Oh, oh, and one last one (this one really annoys me). The date today is the 15th of August, not August 15th. We're in the UK, not America.

I'll try and write again soon to keep all you fans happy. No more death threats please.

The M Word

Hi, I'm Chris Morris, and I do not fear the Edinburgh Marathon, the Edinburgh Marathon fears me.

Why am I talking about the Edinburgh Marathon? Well, I kinda decided to run it next year. Yep, unfit, non-athletic 16 stone Chris Morris who can't even run a mile at the moment, is going to run 26.2 miles in a year's time.

I was helping Joeman and Nathan move house last Friday (Which is literally round the corner from me, it's awesome!), and Nathan suggested I should try to run the marathon, to which I thought "Ah yeah, that's a brilliant idea!"

Less than twenty four hours later, I genuinely thought I was going to have a heart attack and die.

I used to go jogging round the reservoir at Clatto Park, which I had heard was a perfect mile. Now, I used to struggle to do that length before, but when I went for a jog in the early hours of Saturday morning, I literally thought I was going to need medical attention. I was so determined that I wasn't going to stop at all, and run the whole way, that when I finished, I felt extremely sick, and nearly threw up. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to collapse.

I found out later that the length across the reservoir isn't a mile at all.

Yeah, one reservoir length plus another quarter and a bit is a mile. I can't even run a mile!

I went again on Sunday, this time in the evening, and I took Heather with me. I decided to actually go for the mile, but to pace myself a little more this time. I ran about three quarters of the reservoir length, and had to walk for a bit, then ran again, and walked for another bit, then ran to the mile point.

Although I had to stop and walk for a bit, I actually felt a lot better about it than on Saturday's attempt. I mean, I didn't feel I was going to die. I even text Nathan telling him saying "Just went for a jog, I did a mile but it nearly killed me!", to which he replied "Woop woop! Nice one!"

I don't think he knows I was actually being serious.

So as if this time next year isn't terrifying enough with going to Rwanda, I have to worry about whether or not I'll even be alive so that I can go to Rwanda!

Yikes. Edinburgh Marathon, what am I thinking!?

By the way, here's a photo of the reservoir at Clatto if you've never seen it before:

So that's all I really have to talk about just now. Oh, except for Heather basically becomes a teacher tomorrow, which is mega exciting for both of us. My girlfriend is a primary school teacher! She goes to her school tomorrow, which is in Carnoustie (Can't remember the name of the school, she'll kill me for that later), and she'll begin in August.

So anyway, I'll post another entry soon, if my intense one mile training doesn't kill me.

If you don't hear from me in the next week, call emergency services.

Chris Morris - Musician, Author, Award Winning Dancer, and Soon to be King.

Hi, I’m Chris Morris, and my life of being a student is finally done, I got 99 problems but Perth College ain’t one.

That’s right, all the double standards, politics, egos, and lack of professionalism that was Perth College is finished. So here I am, stepping out into the big bad world of reality and ... I don’t really feel any different.

If I said I was terrified, it would be both an over and an understatement. It’s pretty scary thinking that I need to find a full time job, but at the same time it’s really, really exciting. I do have plans, I mean, cooking masterclass! Okay yeah, that’s not really a plan ...

Seriously though I am looking into getting a DipRsm from Rockschool which would mean I could be a peripatetic instrumental instructor. Fancy, eh? So basically I just need to work towards that, then I will either be living in a magical world where as soon as you are qualified you get a job, or I really will be stuck.

In the meantime though, I am loving life. I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to, and I’m doing a lot of things which make me happy. I’m still teaching at the music school, and getting a pay rise there (woo hoo!), I’m still involved with Pure Media, and we’re going to China which is epic, and I’m going to be volunteering in Rwanda next year as a drum tutor/percussion workshop ... person.

Someone said to me “won’t they all already be able to play African drums and that already?” which I kind of think is the same as saying...

In fact, I’m in a list mood, here’s a list of what that is the same as saying (Did that sentence make sense?)

1. Everyone in Scotland wears a kilt, plays the bagpipes, and chases haggises (which are live animals) for their tea.
2. Everyone who gets extra time in exams actually needs it (Okay, there are people who do need it, but trust me I know, I got extra time and a scribe for being borderline dyspraxic, I didn’t need it at all but I needed it more than certain other people...)
3. England are going to win the world cup.
4. All French people go around with garlic around their necks and an artist’s paint pad in their hands.
5. If a band/artist is in the charts, then they definitely know loads about music and are really talented musicians/songwriters.
6. Oh, and I was going to leave the list there, but here’s a good one: All the people going to see Sex and the City 2 and the cinema are all proper fans of the series and are all decent people. They are totally not complete idiots who come drunker than a pirate, dressed up more fancy than a peacock, simply going on a night out rather than a civilised trip to the cinema. They don’t sneak in their own alcohol, and they absolutely love the film, remembering even the tiniest detail the next day.

Okay so I wrote most of that about four days ago, and I’ll continue now!

Yesterday, the Bodman School of Music had an open day where we were giving free music lessons and selling a lot of kid’s toys, books, CDs, DVDs, and loads of other things. Not many people actually came, but hey, it was better than working at the Odeon for a day!

A couple of really exciting things came out of it though. Firstly, it looks as though Heather will now be working with us! I was telling Fiona about how she is going into her probation year as a teacher this year and this sparked some interest, so she asked Heather if she would be interested in running some kindermusic classes, which is awesome! She is meeting with her sometime this week I think.

Also, Fiona has asked me to take one some drumming classes for 3 – 8 year olds, and write a drum book for it. I’ve always wanted to have a go at writing a drum book, and now I have a chance! I have to write a couple of pages of it by next week so we can begin to kind of promote it. I’m not sure what kind of tone I should use in the book though, anyone have any ideas? I don’t know whether to write it as if a three year old is reading it, or as if their parents are reading it... hmm.

Anyway, so yeah that’s awesome. I’m gonna go now and do something else. Everyday I’ve been waking up in a panic thinking “What college work do I need to do today??” and then suddenly I remember, and I relax.

Just before I go, I want to tell you about a dream I had last night. One of those dreams where you wake up and for about two minutes you’re convinced it actually happened. I dreamed that I was going to China with everyone from Pure Media, and I had just realised that I had forgotten to tell all of my pupils at the music school.

Yikes. That would be pretty bad. Note to self...